What do we do with the really tough stuff that we struggle with? We are so used to putting out fires for everyone else, but what do we do with our own stuff? What do we do with things like depression? We say it’s okay to not be okay, but then what?
I have always struggled with depression. In fact, I have what is called Major Depressive Disorder. In the tough times I find myself asking, ‘What do I do with this? Where does this fit into all of the plans?’.
Depression isn’t just life altering, it’s soul sucking. It begins with depleting you of joy, then of anger, then of even your sadness until all you are left with is deep, dark emptiness; you feel numb and formless inside. This last time, I began to think there must be something more than simply wiping my tears and pretending that it never happened…again. That’s when I remembered Genesis 1: 1-5 (emphasis mine)
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
This stood out to me on so many levels. This is where I begin again-with God. Each day is a new day with Him and a new chapter. The darkness of depression is not the end, it is simply waiting on the breath of light. He is my beginning and my end.
As a trauma momma, I fight my own battles after the children go to bed and it becomes more than I can bare some days. The wounds they inflict and the old wounds they resurrect are enough to bring a warrior like me to her knees. Now I realize I don’t have to lick my wounds and pretend like nothing happened, I need to accept the grace of a new day and let God mold me stronger than I was yesterday. Depression doesn’t end me, it’s bends me until I become malleable enough to bow at His feet in all circumstances.