My head is so divided as I try to keep sanity in charge. I know what is happening, but it still rips my heart to pieces.
This is normal the closer adoption gets, my head tells me. When he tells me I’m not his parent so he “doesn’t care”- he doesn’t really mean it. When he pushes every button that I have- it’s just to see how far I can bend. When he refuses to do a single thing I’ve told him to do- it’s just to see what I will do next. When he screams in my face- it’s to get me to scream back. When he tells me he needs me to yell at him to feel loved- he’s telling the truth, but I can’t love him like that.
Seeing it on paper in black and white it dulls the effect you prepare to go through. Once you experience all the feels that come in hurricane floods, your brain and heart have trouble separating logic from emotion. That’s where I’m at. I see him hurting and struggling and I want to help as I’ve done so many times before but he just pushes me away with brute force. No matter which approach I try, he just keeps pushing. It’s not so unlike the “pushing” I experienced with my oldest daughter when she grew into her teenage self, but this is the tender grafting time for my son and I. My heart is so afraid that he will push so hard that he will come untethered from me completely and the bond will be broken before it ever really started.